JA’s SUPER WICKED AWESOME BESTEST HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE FOR MEN

juliaallison:

Women, ask yourself: Does this gift have a plug?  Can it be taken apart and put back together repeatedly?  Does it come with its own repair man?  Does it involve signing a release abdicating all legal responsibility?

Yes? He will love it.

For years, I got every man in my life boxers and sweaters.  I did this because I didn’t like the boxers and sweaters they were currently wearing.  You know what?  They didn’t give a shit.  Epiphany: HE DOES NOT WANT WHAT YOU WANT TO GET HIM.  And so I decided I had to stop thinking like … well … ME, and start thinking like him.  Or who he wishes he were.

In other words: James Bond.  If you really love him, think WWJBW?  What would James Bond want?

Um … JAMES BOND STUFF, OBVS.

• Dyno Kwick Pick Lock-Picking Tool – www.lockpickshop.com
• iLnnovators Concealed Cabinet – www.concealedcabinet.com
• Spy Yard’s Diversion safes – www.spyyard.com
• A revolving bookcase – www.hiddendoors.com

EVENT HE DOESN’T HAVE TO PLAN OR PAY FOR. (extra points if you can die doing it)

• A flying lesson
• Tickets to an event
• Rock climbing
• Formula One Driving Experience

REMIND HIM HE’S A MAN with BRANDY AND AN OLD-FASHIONED SHAVE

• Spirit School – Brandy Library in New York
• An old-school shave – The New York Shaving Company
• (And give him a stocking with a few Cuban cigars, too.)

BACON RELATED

• Baconaise
• Bacon floss
• Bacon bandages

ELECTRONIC SHIT HE PROBABLY DOESN’T NEED!

• Brookstone’s  Ion® VCR VHS-Ripping Recorder
• Etymotic Headphones
• iWear widescreen video glasses
• Vizio’s 42in Plasma HD TV – Please do not blame me if he proposes right there in front of the television after you give him this gift. (or if you can’t afford $729 – go for the 32in $499 set.  And ps, they’re totally green.  Woo!)

PRETEND HE’S 8 – YES, GROWN MEN LIKE TOYS

• Goldfish training kit
• THE ONION GIFT SET
• (I could use more suggestions here … email me!)

SHIT THAT GETS HIM DIRTY, OR MIGHT LEAD HIM TO BREAK HIS FEMUR

• a bike
• a tent
• GEAR-like stuff
• Personalized shoes from Nike

SEX

• Buy yourself lingerie.  Seriously.  He’ll love it.  You win, he wins.
• Decorate a small tree with 12 condoms (ew, no – keep them in their wrappers!) and tell him that he’ll get the Twelve Days of Sexual Christmas with you.  Bonus points if you write different sex acts on each of the ornaments!

FOLLOW THAT WITH A FOOT RUB

• Reflexology socks and then a foot rub.  O.M.F.G

NO. JUST … NO.

• a flask. He’s gotten that for every bachelor party he’s been to since he turned 27.
• a tie. All men secretly hate ties.
• a sweater. He doesn’t want a fucking sweater.
• a journal. ARE YOU INSANE?!?!
• And honestly?  He doesn’t really want a framed photo of you guys together either. I’m sorry.  He doesn’t.  It’s just the truth.  Someone had to tell you.

Now go!!

Lord, please forgive me for reblogging JA but in this she is kinda right. Nuts, but right.